If you are at all a fan of the action, fantasy, and/or science fiction genre(s), you have no doubt personally encountered such a story in one form or another. Sure, it has become something of a cliché, but it can still provide a base upon which a thrilling yarn may be spun (because if spinning yarn is not thrilling, I don't know what is).
Or at least I hope it can, because today's review is very much along those lines.
Way back when my wife first suggested I try my hand at a candy review blog, she selected a variety of candies from an international goods retailer to get me started. One of the items purchased was promptly deposited into my sweets stash and forgotten.
There it has remained for the last two years, quietly plotting who knows what while awaiting the day it would finally be rediscovered.
Today is that day.
And so I present to you: Choward's Guava Candy!
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| Your eyes deceive you. |
Though the company is officially C. Howard Company, Inc. (named after one Charles Howard), they've chosen to go with "Choward's" for the branding, which I actually find less appealing, though I couldn't say why (because I don't know, not because it's a secret). It doesn't help that the packaging is not that attractive, either, despite being oddly photogenic (trust me, it loses something once it's in your hand). Whether it's the color scheme or guava graphics (or, more likely, a combination of the two), there is a unique quality to the packaging that saddens me and produces the desire to drop it back in my candy cache. It is a mysterious phenomenon, I assure you; it is not a particularly ghastly design, but it does not seem the work of a company that's been in the candy game since the 1930s.
Between the joyless packaging and the lengthy stay in my sugar storehouse, I felt it would be wise to acquire aid in my mission, so I called upon everyone's favorite crustacean-themed robot helper: TTR-CRAB 900 (I don't know if a pair of misfits constitutes "a small band of heroes," but TCR-FRESHY 5000 had a prior engagement and was unable to offer assistance)!
Being the people-pleasing go-getter that he is, TTR-CRAB 900 wasted no time in commencing his investigation, starting with the "best by" date:
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| "A Delicious Confection" they say. And I'm sure they aren't biased in the least. |
As might be expected, I had missed the suggested date. By a month. Oops.
Still, I suspect that the greater the recommended shelf life, the less a day or two (or thirty) will matter. I mean, after twenty or so months, what's one more, right? So I wasn't too worried about it, and neither was TTR-CRAB 900 (he's pretty easygoing, as far as robot crabs go).
In addition to the "best by" date, the weight of the product, country of origin (USA!), and company website are provided. Not too shabby, although I don't need C. Howard Company, Inc. to tell me their candy is delicious. I can do that myself (well, with the help of TTR-CRAB 900). Besides, "delicious" is a generic word that doesn't tell one anything (which I suppose is why I use it so freely when reviewing better sweets).
I quickly grew bored of looking at this side of the package and asked TTR-CRAB 900 to continue the evaluation.
One quick turn and we discovered the ingredients list:
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| You want nutritional information? I hope you've got some free time... |
The list starts off innocently enough (with sugars and the vague "natural and artificial flavors"), but soon switches to more sinister sounding items, like magnesium stearate and Red 40 Lake. TTR-CRAB assured me that, even though it's most commonly used in pharmaceuticals and is one of the two components of soap scum, magnesium stearate shouldn't kill me.
What a relief!
Perhaps even more foreboding is the absence of any nutritional information; C. Howard Company, Inc. has decided, in their infinite wisdom, that it would be just as convenient for one to write a letter and wait for a response than to try and read a tiny nutrition data panel. That is how I often work when contemplating the purchase of consumables anyway; I pick up the item in question, pen a thoughtful message to the manufacturer of said item, and sit back in anticipation while the U.S. postal service does its thing. What could be handier?
Fortunately, one can find the elusive info online if one wishes. But even that is not worth the effort, so I will save you the trouble by telling you now (SPOILER ALERT!): three pieces of Choward's Guava Candy contain five grams of sugar, and that's it. There is no other nutritional value whatsoever. I do not see why C. Howard Company, Inc. could not have put that somewhere on the package. Granted, it wouldn't be in the traditional nutritional information panel form, and it might be hinted at by the ingredients list, but why not spare a few precious moments of their customers' lives?
I'm just saying.
Anyhow, having just wasted a few precious moments of my reader(s) lives, it would probably be for the best to carry on with the review...
TTR-CRAB 900 carefully opened the package (there was some confusion involved, as both sides said "open here;" I hope we chose correctly!) and withdrew three pieces (the suggested serving size) of the guava candy:
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| Attack of the Super Crab! YOU WILL ALL BE DESTROYED! |
I admit to being taken aback by the candy's appearance. I had been predicting the product to take a thicker, chewier form. I guess I need to be more aware of ingredient lists' implications; all the clues were there to indicate the hard, chalky consistency one finds in candy necklaces or Flintstone Vitamins (both of which contain magnesium stearate, by the way).
Each piece is finely embossed with the Choward's logo. I've got to hand it to C. Howard Company, Inc. here: the candy may give off a cheap vibe in substance, but the imprinting is expertly done; the logo is crisp and clear, which is rarely the case at this scale. It was, quite frankly, the first time Choward's Guava Candy impressed me.
Perhaps the taste would produce a similar effect?
Meh.
My first thought upon placing one in my mouth was that the guava flavoring bore a striking similarity to the mango portion of the dreaded Usher Chili Mango Twisted Bongos, which naturally did nothing to excite my taste buds. By the third sample, however, the comparison was forgotten, replaced by the sensation of gritty, crunchy sugar.
Don't get me wrong: I was (and am) still not especially fond of the guava taste, but I didn't mind it much, either. If you can imagine a piece from a candy necklace with the added flavor of guava, you'll have an excellent idea of what to expect from the product.
And so, I rate Choward's Guava Candy a bland 2. I was a bit apprehensive about this one, and it actually turned out better than I had supposed (it will sufficiently curb a sweets craving in an emergency), but I'm afraid that, for me, it will never achieve first-string status.
Does our story today have a happy ending? I'm not sure. It was anticlimactic, certainly. There were no real victories or defeats to speak of. It was nothing like the epic tale I had envisioned (and practically promised).
Even so, I'm currently taking a break from my usual nutritional information requests to concentrate (with the aid of TTR-CRAB 900, of course) my writing efforts on the screenplay.
Just in case.
Patiently lying in wait until my next appearance,
The Sweets Fiend
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| They're just like vitamins without the nutrition! |
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