#36 - Philippine Brand Coco Mango Balls

Reviewing candy is a double-edged sword. I get a lot of free candy (much more than I'd expected when initiating this preposterous endeavor), but I do not get to choose said candy. Thus, I am at the mercy of my unpredictable benefactors, some with questionable intentions one might describe as "diabolical."

I have endured through chili mango licorice sticks. I have survived a form of chocolate (I use the term loosely) that first tormented its hapless victims over 250 years ago! And I have managed to somehow maintain my love for sweets despite a bout with candy so foul I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, the memory of its horrid taste lingering on my tongue.

Needless to say, my encounter with Lucia Pastillas de Ube Macapuno left me rather leery of the Philippines as a source of sweets. Then again, I'm all for giving a country a second chance; one never knows when one might find a diamond in the rough!

Nevertheless, I hope you will understand my reluctance in getting around to today's review, because it just happens to be Phillipine Brand Coco Mango Balls:

Introducing TTR-CRAB 900, the newest addition to my candy review team!

Now, I'm not a complete fool (that's a work in progress); I was not about to rush into a potentially disastrous situation alone (as everyone knows, "it's dangerous to go alone"). In a stroke of bad luck, my usual robot sidekick, TCR-FRESHY 5000, was on an extended vacation (personally, I suspect his fear simulators got the best of him; I don't know why I installed that bit), so I was forced to seek out another assistant, preferably one with experience in tropical climates.

Enter TTR-CRAB 900. Though originally from Hong Kong, he spent a couple of summers in the Philippines via some sort of robot exchange program. His resume was not exactly flawless (the section titled "Knife Skills" was disturbingly thorough), but he was eager, and I was desperate, and that elicited a prompt decision.

So let's commence the review, shall we?

First off, the package design is actually not bad. I don't know why that surprised me, but it did. It's not great, mind you, but neither is it terrible. The color palette and artwork are in line with the name/concept, and the font choices are acceptable, though not inspired. The package has two main faults, really: the phrase "EXPORT QUALITY" displayed on the front does not instill the confidence I presume was intended, and the little "window" exposes the "balls" in all their vile wretchedness. They in no way resemble the balls pictured on the bag (creating a ball that looks nothing like another is quite a feat indeed), and it causes one to wonder if perhaps "EXPORT QUALITY" actually means "NOT UP TO OUR STANDARDS." Otherwise, I shudder at the thought of what those poor Filipinos must be sold.

Let's just say that at this point I was glad to have TTR-CRAB 900 at my disposal.

O "best by" date, where art thou?

Moving on, I soon discovered that the "best by" section was completely worthless. If a printed date ever existed on the packaging, it was nowhere to be found now (much like my appetite). Maybe it was meant to indicate that the product was never any good to begin with. Or (fingers crossed) maybe the clever scientists in the Philippines have discovered a method of preservation which thwarts all of Time's nefarious schemes.

I could not be sure of the cause or meaning  behind the alarming omission (exposure to a light bulb offered no answer), but the multiple price tags (indicating at least one markdown) and visual appearance of the product were about as comforting as the "EXPORT QUALITY" pledge.

Now, Philippine Brand is a part of Profood International Corporation, which has no less than five certifications. One would think at least one of those certifications would involve suggesting dates by which to consume a product, particularly if said product contains a section on the package dedicated to such a date. I guess not. That would be silly.

Not particularly helpful in two languages!

At least the nutrition facts panel contains some information. I've doubts about its accuracy (they suggest 100 divided by 30 is 3.0, for one thing), but it's there. The values are given for one third of the package, which is mighty convenient, considering that there are sixteen Coco Mango Balls inside (who doesn't regularly stop after eating five and a third pieces of a snack, after all?).

I should probably mention that the panel wrapped around the edge of the package, and TTR-CRAB 900 thought it best to tear it open (at a handy "tear here" marking) in order to get a better photograph (the tear is visible in the resulting image). I'm not sure his recommendation was sound, but he's still learning the ropes, so try and go easy on him.

Anyhow, Coco Mango Balls are not frightening from a nutritional standpoint, as 130 Calories is about half what one would find in a typical candy bar. Eating all sixteen balls in one sitting would amount to somewhere between 390 and 430 Calories, depending on who's doing the math. But who would want to do that?

Meanwhile, the ingredients list is short and sweet:

If you've still got all your fingers, you can count the ingredients on one hand!
If not, I'm sorry to have reminded you.

Five ingredients. That's all. One could easily memorize everything necessary to create Coco Mango Balls. In fact, why don't you go ahead and do that? You've obviously got nothing better to do if you're sitting there reading about a pitiable man-child and his two-bit (I do not mean that in the digital sense; his processor is 8-bit at the very least) crab robot opening a package of (presumably) edible ball-like objects.

Okay, got it all memorized? Good. If Profood International Corp. should happen to lose the recipe, they'll have you to rely on (and won't you be so proud of yourself?).

Concise though it may be, the list provides some new and vital information. Firstly, not all mangoes are suitable for use in Coco Mango Balls. I believe the implication is that only the best mangoes are selected, but that's not necessarily true; there is no indication of what the criteria for selection might be (but rest assured, the mangoes are all "EXPORT QUALITY"). Secondly, there is no secret Filipino miracle preservative after all; sulfites are commonly used as preservatives in dried fruits.

So the condition of my Coco Mango Balls remained uncertain.

TTR-CRAB 900 is not afraid to get his claws dirty.

TTR-CRAB 900 approached the tray and carefully selected what looked to be the least offensive of the malformed blobs. His initial analysis determined a high likelihood of staleness with a low risk of fatality. With an excitement that seemed unwarranted considering the situation, he offered me the dreaded morsel, his eyes shining with anticipation (remember, this was his first job and all).

 I had no excuse (other than my common sense) to reject his "gift," so I gently plucked it from his steely claws and gave it a quick sniff. As far as I could tell, there wasn't much to smell. The doughy ball did feel a tad stale, however (I can hardly be blamed for that, given their "best by" shenanigans). Tossing my reservations to the side, I sunk my teeth into it and...

Well, it wasn't horrible! Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed the first instant wherein the coconut flavor tickled my taste buds (I'm a pretty big fan of coconut; I ate a peanut butter, jelly, and coconut sandwich every day for a good portion of my childhood). The taste of the mango followed with little delay, and that was the moment I realized that coconut and mango do not make for a healthy marriage. Before long, the mango asserted its dominance and the coconut was a distant memory. It was an odd sensation; I think either flavor would have fared better on its own, to be honest.

Still, I didn't hate it. And perhaps I'm just in a generous mood, or perhaps I'm just relieved that it did not leave me clutching my throat and gagging, but I am rating Philippine Brand Coco Mango Balls a 2 (a very low 2, but a 2 regardless).

Sometimes, one is just in the mood to snack on something and is not too particular what that something is. I can envision Coco Mango Balls being that "something" under the right circumstances; I wouldn't choose them, and I wouldn't specifically want them, but if they were there (especially if they were fresh), I wouldn't be opposed to eating them (though that might say more about me than the Coco Mango Balls).

Do I recommend them? No. But neither do I condemn them. I am as baffled as you likely are by my decision and am convinced there was just enough decent flavor to fool me into thinking they were better than they actually were. Profoods International Corp. must have sorcerers on staff or something.

So, nice try, diabolical benefactors, but you'll need to do better than that to take down The Sweets Fiend!

And thank you, TTR-CRAB 900; your premier performance can only be described as "EXPORT QUALITY."

Grateful to be alive,
The Sweets Fiend

I'd like to tell you this tastes better than it looks, but I'm not sure it does.