#5 - Mrs. Annie's Jalapeno Peanut Brittle

Of all the things to love about living in America, one of my favorites is the myriad of cultures to be discovered without even leaving the country. One does not need to go very far to feel out of place (for me, out the front door is usually enough), or to experience a fresh perspective. There is really no such thing as "American culture" per se, as lifestyles and traditions are as varied as the sweets one finds in local shops and markets.

With such diversity and distinctiveness, it is only natural that a sense of identity and pride would blossom in small communities, large cities, or even entire states. Take Texas, for instance. I am not from Texas and have never been to Texas, but I have known some swell people from the Lone Star State, so that practically makes me an expert.

Just kidding, of course. If you are not from Texas, you do not understand Texas. From what I can gather, a Texan is a Texan no matter where he/she might live presently, even if he/she has not set foot in Texas since the Dallas Cowboys won the Superbowl (probably the only sports reference you will ever get from me). Texans simply have a lot of pride in Texas, so you best show some respect!

As the saying goes, "Don't mess with Texas!"

Actually, that phrase is an anti-litter campaign slogan (say "NO" to litter, folks). But that doesn't change the fact that Texans love Texas. It has nothing to do with guns or cowboy hats (not to mention cowboy boots), and nothing to do with things being "bigger" in Texas (personalities included). As far as I can tell, it is something one must be born with to properly "get."

So it is with a dash of hesitation that I present to you Mrs. Annie's Jalapeno Peanut Brittle:

Introducing TCR-FRESHY 5000 (Vanna White had a scheduling conflict)!

Why the trepidation? There are several reasons:

1. Mrs. Annie's "Peanut Patch" is a proud Texas company (it's even part of the GO TEXAN program), and if I were to find any fault with the snack, I may also find an angry posse of Texans at my front door (making me feel out of place, no doubt). Reviewing treats is a dangerous job, as everyone knows.
2. I don't mind a little spice now and then, but Texans are known for loving their heat. If my taste buds are burnt to a crisp, that would somewhat hinder my ability to accurately review candy and other goods.
3. The package came to me nearly a month past its "best by" date. In addition, it does not appear to have traveled all that well. Both facts make the worst-case scenario as described in point #1 a very plausible outcome.
4. The brittle looks like a cross between an extraterrestrial monster from a low-budget horror movie and toxic waste.

In light of reasons #2 through #4, I felt it would be in my best interests to leave the initial inspection of the candy itself to my trusty robot, TCR-FRESHY 5000. He has not spent the years I have cultivating a love of candy and snacks, but he's got no shortage of moxie, and (best of all) he is completely and utterly expendable.

Before TCR would be put to work, however, I decided it was within reason that I should perform a brief ocular study of the product's exterior.

"You put your right boot in, and you shake it all about..."

To begin, I believe the product label was designed to prevent consumers from taking any pictures of it. It's not just that it's a shiny metallic gold, it's that a label affixed to a bag of brittle is sure to abound in wrinkles, reflecting light from any and all directions. However, the biggest challenge in photographing a subject like this is always going to be my laziness. I was eager to get the testing started, and wasn't really in the mood for lighting shenanigans (i.e. doing things right). So I took my usual shortcuts to provide label images that show some texture and shininess whilst keeping the text readable.

The label contains the product name (always a good choice), with a big Texas graphic (sense the pride?) and a chile boot shaking its foot (in attempt to suggest a kicking motion) below.

I have only two other comments regarding the front label:  Firstly, my wife suggested a better name would be "Mrs. Annie's Jalapeanut Brittle." She may be right, but don't tell her I said that. Secondly, I'm not sure I find the chile boot enticing. I get the "The Brittle with a KICK!" slogan, but nothing about boots is appetizing, and I think they are overselling the Texas theme. I am not a complete fool (I did manage to build a robot for ages 8 and up); seeing a large outline of the snack's home state is plenty to get the point across.

The front label also contains the ingredient list (okay, maybe I had more than two comments):

The cast of the cult classic IT CAME FROM TEXAS!

There are some chemical compounds sure to scare off the "nothing but natural" crowd (interesting fact: you are most likely to die from "natural causes"), but as I've pledged my life to embracing such risks for the sake of my reader(s), I have no choice but to keep calm and carry on (which was NOT an anti-litter campaign slogan).

Brings new meaning to the phrase "red letter day."

The nutrition facts panel was stuck to the back of the bag, displaying in blood (or red lettering, at the very least) the date which will live in infamy: May 22, 2015. That is the day by which I should have eaten the Jalapeno Peanut Brittle, a day which is long gone. There's no going back, as I used critical components from my time machine to build TCR-FRESHY 5000. Hindsight is 20/20, they say.

Aside from the chilling expiration warning, the nutritional information is pretty standard. The bag contains around 420 Calories (in 8 ounces) of brittle "with a KICK"! That's actually not too bad for peanut brittle, if you can believe that.

At this point, I'd like to bring up one of my pet peeves in American nutrition facts: the word "calorie" is commonly (practically always, including in this blog) and carelessly used to mean "kilocalorie." Europe does not have this problem (then again, Europe has embraced the metric system), and I imagine (I hope, at least) it must drive food chemists crazy. Can you imagine being invited to take part in a 5 meter race, only to find out on the big day that it was really a 5K? You may not mind. But the two are not the same (I only have a chance of completing one; I won't say which).

With that out of the way, let's get down to business and into the bag. TCR-FRESHY 5000 and the brittle were secured in an appropriate environment for sample collection.

Boldly going where no man has gone before?

With unfaltering nerves of steel (or, more accurately, aluminum), TCR ripped open the bag to let loose the unnaturally green confection. I don't remember ever seeing an edible(?) item so verdantly vibrant before. In short, its color was jarring.

Despite my being in the "safe zone," the familiar smell of peanut brittle awakened my olfactory system. It was in no way an unpleasant smell. So far, so good, it seemed: no foul odors, no detectable signs of life, and TCR remained operational.

The next step was to remove several pieces from the bag for closer inspection. TCR was, as always, up for the task.

All the king's horses and all the king's men (and TCR-FRESHY 5000) couldn't put the peanut brittle back together again.

Again, it was unlike anything I had seen. There was an overall stickiness to the brittle, possibly due to the fact that I ignored the label's "store in a cool place" instruction. In my defense, "cool" can have multiple meanings, and I thought a bag of candy was a pretty cool place to keep it.

That being said, TCR's sensors detected no immediate danger present, and he consequently offered me a piece to try.

If this looks appetizing, you might just be from Texas.

I paused a moment before subjecting my mouth to the vast unknowns hidden within the mysterious treat.

In all honesty, it was pretty good! It tasted just as peanut brittle should and had the proper amount of crunch.

And then came the "KICK"! It was the sort of heat that doesn't hit you right away; it hides, like a ninja, waiting for the prime moment to strike! It was definitely spicy, but stopped short of being too much.

If I was let down in any way, it would have to be the lack of any jalapeno flavor. Perhaps that's a good thing; I can't say for certain. But my taste buds could not locate any taste in the heat. It seemed to be spicy for the sake of being spicy.

In the end, though, I had to stop myself from eating the entire bag. There was something almost addicting about Mrs. Annie's Jalapeno Peanut Brittle, though I can't put my finger on it, and if I were offered another piece (or bag), I'd accept it cheerfully. Still, I find it doubtful I would purchase another bag for myself.

Thus, I give it a rating of 2. It's all right, just not something I'd keep on hand. But if you love peanuts and spicy foods (and can overcome the unsettling appearance), go ahead and pick up a bag already! If you can't take heat, however, you might want to steer clear of Mrs. Annie's Jalapeno Peanut Brittle; this Texas treat will KICK your butt with no apologies!

Still a bit shaken (but not stirred),
The Sweets Fiend

The back of the brittle: a little less interesting, but every bit as green!