#42 - Tunnock's Real Milk Chocolate Caramel Wafer Biscuits

Throughout history, it has been customary for a son to follow in his father's footsteps, career-wise. For instance, if one's father is king, one is probably going to end up king one day (unless one happens to be Charles, Prince of Wales). From plumbers to funeral directors to purveyors of junk (even British purveyors of junk), fathers are keen on passing on more than their genes to their offspring, and the words "and son" are ubiquitous in the business world.

Still, there are times when one's son feels called to forge his own path in life. Maybe he's just not that into ruling the galaxy or making toys, or maybe the father's job is literally as dull as watching paint dry. Whatever the reason, it affords the son the opportunity to alter the course of his bloodline, with a new livelihood to pass down for generations to come (or not; kids can be so rebellious, after all).

Such was the case when Thomas Tunnock opted not to carry on his father's coffin-building legacy ("Why live a miserable life when for 30 bob you can be buried comfortably?"), instead striving to make miserable lives a bit less so with the opening of his own bakery (he even used his dying wish to ensure his son would continue the dream; he wasn't taking any chances!).

I, for one, am thankful for the divergence; I am unlikely to need a coffin from Scotland in my lifetime (or death, for that matter), but I can always go for a sugary treat, and Tunnock's Real Milk Chocolate Caramel Wafer Biscuits sound like just the thing to satisfy that craving!

This reminds me of a circus or carnival, minus the excitement and terror.

First off, I think the name "Tunnock" sounds like it was pulled straight from a J.R.R. Tolkien novel, which isn't too unreasonable, as it's a Scottish name from days long gone (we're talking centuries here). Perhaps it is this sense of tradition and history that led to the anachronistic package design; it is equal parts old-fashioned and modern, showing true dedication to the company's heritage whilst paying homage to current trends. The top is adorned with the words "still original size," which is a heartening phrase if ever I've heard one; who among us has not at one time or another lamented the decrease in volume of his or her favorite treats? And the featured mascot/child (who was, in some tragic turn of events, left without a name) harks back to simpler times, before such dreadful realities as candy review blogs.

Really, it's all very well done, but, to be blunt, it doesn't do much for me. I can't fault Tunnock's, as I believe they have achieved success in all their package design goals. I honestly appreciate their sentiments, I just don't find myself craving what hides behind the shiny metallic wrapper. And despite his easy smile and polished appearance, I do not want to be Tunnock Boy's friend (I think I shall take it upon myself to name him "Shteve" (for some reason I suspect he has a speech impediment), not to be confused with "Phteven").

But it's a simple matter of opinion; I still commend Tunnock's artists and visionaries for their talents.

Space for rent?

Anyhow, the "best before" date can be found on the back of the package, in a much-larger-than-necessary blank canvas of sorts (the entire back of the package lacks the flair of the front; it's almost as if they forgot it was there until the minute before production was to commence). I don't know if Tunnock's lacks confidence in the precision of their date-printing machinery or they are leaving space for future use, but I suppose it doesn't matter; the date is easily readable within the otherwise bare expanse of whiteness.

My actual consumption of the candy preceded the publishing of this review by a shamefully long period of time, so I did beat the expiration date (by at least a tiny bit), so lay your worries to rest (seriously, you worry about the silliest things).

Typical values indeed.

The nutritional information panel shows that, gram for gram, the biscuits are very much comparable to an average candy bar in terms of nutrition (or lack thereof, if you prefer). As I'm a big fan of candy bars (and getting bigger with each one), I would like to think that this in some way bodes well for Tunnock's creation. I might be way off base, but I'd still like to think it; considering chocolate caramel wafer biscuits sound delightful to me anyhow, I believe there's plenty of room for optimism (just like there was plenty of room for the "best before" date).

Also included in the panel is the address of the Thomas Tunnock Limited headquarters (and website), which is not uncommon (I refer here to candy manufacturers providing their own addresses; it would be quite uncommon, and probably frowned upon, for other manufacturers to supply the Thomas Tunnock Limited address on their own candies).

So far, no real surprises, which is itself not very surprising, since the Tunnock's brand seems so deeply rooted in tradition; "traditional" and "surprising" are words seldom matched together.

The ingredients list is no different:

Suitable for vegetarians? And here I was expecting a pork filling...

Every ingredient listed is readily found in countless other candies and sweets. There is not a single entry to cause alarm or even interest (unless, of course, one has wheat, soy, and/or milk allergies). But caramel is (woo-hoo!) the first ingredient, so that's a plus.

Fortunately, a dull ingredients list need not translate into a dull product. Thomas Tunnock Limited has simply chosen to stick with tried and true components, and there's nothing at all wrong with that.

Or maybe there is. I guess I'd have to try one to know for sure, wouldn't I?

It's like the package gave birth... to twins!

And so I pulled one out of the package... and discovered they are individually wrapped! Personally, I found that to be a welcome feature, despite it adding an extra step between me and the milk chocolate caramel wafer biscuit. One thing I noticed, however, is that the wrappers were rather loose, suggesting that perhaps that the reason for their existence is something other than preservation.

The wrappers continue the motif of the outside package; in fact, it was at this point that I realized (I'm a tad slow) the package front contains a (slightly off-scale) cutaway graphic, displaying the six internal biscuits. I don't know how I missed that before (I was probably too distracted by Shteve's floating head), but it's a nice touch. Additionally, the individual wrappers contain the ingredients list (always a considerate move), as well as the claim: "MORE THAN 5,000,000 OF THESE BISCUITS MADE AND SOLD EVERY WEEK!" That's more than a quarter of a billion per year. Not bad for a product I had never heard of. Not bad at all.

This could really be any chocolate-covered wafer biscuit.

So I opened up one of the biscuits.

To be completely honest, my initial impression was not entirely favorable. The smell of the chocolate was not particularly encouraging, and the appearance (including the bottom), while perfectly acceptable, was nothing to write home about (maybe worth making note of in an amateur candy blog); although its shape is typical of such a product, I could not help but notice its likeness to a coffin. It's possible I was just struggling to find something unique about the treat; after all, what could lead to the demand for million and millions of the treats each year?

As it turned out, Tunnock's real milk chocolate caramel wafer biscuits did have a trick up its sleeve: it was absolutely delicious! It was crunchy. It was chewy. It was a masterful blend of chocolate and caramel. It was everything I could ask of Tunnock's and more!

I was in every conceivable way impressed, and it is without reservations that I rate Tunnock's real milk chocolate caramel wafer biscuits a 4! It is a product any company should be proud of, and though Thomas Tunnock did not live to see its inception, I am eternally grateful for his decision to pursue baking; my life is indeed less miserable because of it.

As a disclaimer, I should mention that those with whom I shared samples did not share my love for the candy (though all liked it to some extent; one suggested it might have been better at a greater distance from the expiration date, which is a fair point). But they are not writing this blog, so their opinions are of no importance. In fact, forget I said anything (I'm too lazy to delete it); instead, go seek out some of the delectable biscuits yourself. You won't regret it.

In case I have not yet expressed my feelings on the product with the utmost clarity, I leave you with a question: is there any chance I could be buried in a giant Tunnock's milk chocolate caramel wafer biscuit?

I'd be willing to pay upwards of 30 bob.

Happy to be alive,
The Sweets Fiend

Please, sir, I want some more!