#19 - Bourbon Every Burger

I have never come across a person who eats fast food in an attempt to become healthier. Not even once. Thus, I find it odd how often individuals set forth on a crusade to enlighten the general public to the fact that fast food is (gasp!) not very good for them. McDonald's is a favorite target for such campaigns. But what I find even more odd is the way such efforts are undertaken; in particular, the deception that is nearly always involved. Whether eating 5,000 Calories a day, or creating a frightening infographic based on a poor understanding of basic science, or even chronicling the rot-defying properties of a thin, dry, salt-laden patty (the case with any such patty), these intrepid activists will stop at nothing (except proper science) to convince people of what they already know: fast food is not healthy.

I do not understand the reasoning there. If something is true, would it not be best to let the facts speak for themselves? The truth needs no embellishment (and that's the truth). It's enough to cause one to wonder if perhaps health is not the real motive behind such passionate endeavors.

As for me, it causes me to wonder about burger-themed candy and snacks. Sure, everyone knows about SpongeBob Gummy Krabby Patties (right?), but what are the other options available for someone looking to combine two unhealthy genres into one?

Well, one need look no further than Japan (though, granted, that's pretty far), as today I present to my dear reader(s) the Bourbon Every Burger!

Not just ANY burger; EVERY BURGER!

To avoid any confusion, let me first clarify that there is no bourbon in Every Burger. Bourbon is a Japanese food and beverage company founded in 1924 that manufactures products with lofty goals (preventing disease, for instance) and honorable ideals. In the words of company president Yasushi Yoshida, "We produce the faithful article which put its heart and soul into the first guarantee of quality principles to contribute to a rich living of people through 'appetite.'"

I'm not sure why "appetite" is within quotation marks. I don't know what he's REALLY trying to say. However, the front of the Every Burger package is sure a happening place, so I'm going to choose to abandon any ominous feelings and take a closer look.

It has been some time since I've seen a humanized form of a product as the spokesperson for said product. I've mentioned before my concerns with such choices (mainly the implications of cannibalism), and the same applies here. The lack of a mustache puts Burgermeister-san (as I have named the Every Burger mascot) a step ahead of Mr. Bon Bon, and as I cannot read Japanese, the poor little guy may very well be passionately pleading for mercy to be shown to his less-developed burger friends. That would make a lot of sense, and perhaps appeal to the wickedness at every human's core (because, honestly, you know you'd eat them anyway), except for one thing: what looks to be the fractured bones of his fallen kinsmen in his mouth.

Do I have someone in my teeth?

There is a chance it is just more Japanese writing, of course, but one has to admit it bears a striking resemblance to cheeseburger-person bones. Thus, my guess at a translation of Burgermeister-san's friendly greeting is this: "I have eaten the bones of EVERY BURGER. You may have the rest." It's possible I'm incorrect, but I consider the case I've built to be fairly strong (and it brings to light one guess as to what "appetite" might refer to).

Aside from the grizzly goings-on depicted, the package is bright and colorful, in standard Japanese fashion. I could see it being cabinet art for a knock-off of Burger Time (Food played a big part in video games of the 1980s; it was the hungriest of decades). "EveryBurger" appears on every side of the box, so the product can be identified from any direction. That is a rare and welcome feature. Overall, I'd say it succeeds in grabbing one's attention (cannibalism tends to have that effect).

Carbon dated into the future!

One side contains the addition of a "best before" date; the "burgers" are still good for over a month, so all is well. But also listed is the code "C14 K136." I would guess that "C14" refers to Carbon-14, which is used in radiocarbon dating. It's beside a date, after all. A YouTube search for "K136" resulted in Mozart's Divertimento in D Major. I can't say for certain what that has to do with simulated cheeseburgers, but it does set the mood for consumption of the treat rather nicely and reflects on Bourbon's sophisticated tastes. Thanks for the suggestion, Bourbon; you've really thought of everything!

The back of the box shows a lot of information (including a handy diagram of the anatomy of Every Burger), a good deal of which has been obscured by an Americanized sticker (which refers to the product as a "baked wheat cracker") with the nutritional data as well as the ingredients list:

"Sucrose Fatty Acid Esther" would make for a cruel nickname. Please don't use it.

I was looking forward to what sort of disease-defying ingredients the Every Burger would provide, until I realized I wouldn't know one if I saw one. But there are a whole lot of ingredients in the Every Burger, that much is certain, so maybe it's in there somewhere. The never-ending list of components somehow makes the Calorie count seem insignificant (let's hope my body agrees), and, in reality, 360 Calories is not so awful for a box of the Every Burger size. Still, despite Bourbon's corporate vision, I had no real expectations of an improved health through the eating of tiny wheat cracker burgers. Call me a skeptic.

The sticker additionally contains a straightforward explanation of the "best before" date format, just in case us ignorant American consumers can't figure it out.

I was about to open up one side of the package when something caught my eye, and I realized I was on the brink of making a horrible mistake.

ATTENTION!

Somehow, I had previously overlooked the glaring "OPEN" instruction, arrow and all. I will be forever grateful that I caught it in time, since few things in a sweet fiend's life are as embarrassing as improperly opening a package of candy (or in this case, some sort of "baked wheat crackers").

I am also glad to have discovered the correct way to open the box because I otherwise would have missed out on half the fun of Every Burger!

See, one of the things I love about Japanese candy (or Japanese products in general) is the element of surprise involved. Whether good or bad, I can never predict what is in store for me, and I am always left feeling that I have truly experienced... something.

So I was not prepared for what the fine folks at Bourbon had cooked up.

There is no escape from Burgermeister-san!

Lifting the "OPEN" flap reveals another, larger graphic of Burgermeister-san, this time with more vigor and a playful wink (indicating he's still cool with you eating the remains of his "friends").

For some reason, it reminded me of opening a fast-food burger box (but a tad more fun), and one (but not me) might even say it gave me "genuine pleasure," as Bourbon intended. It was a simple matter, but I appreciated it nonetheless; it is the small details that make the difference.

Within the box was a tray wrapped in what appeared to be images of Burgermeister-san bathing in ketchup (i.e., burger blood).

I enjoyed this little particularity enough to disregard the fact that the whole design made it difficult to remove the inner package from the outer one. Or at least the first time. It can get a bit annoying if one plans on eating smaller-than-a-serving-size portions and returning the tray whence it came in between. Still, on the whole I'd say it was nice touch and a wise decision on the part of the Bourbon package designers.

But would the burgers themselves be designed with such thoughtfulness? Removing the tray from the wrapper revealed the answer to be resoundingly positive!

I don't believe I've ever eaten so many burgers in one sitting before.

Every Burger burgers are a veritable facsimile of real life cheeseburgers, down to the tiny sesame seeds! There was a definite disparity in the distribution of said sesame seeds, but some may have been lost in the shipping and/or handling of the package (It might make for an "interesting" study for a statistician, either way).

The "burgers" gave off a semi-pleasant low-quality chocolate cream sort of smell, and the chocolate "meat"filling itself hung off the bun in a manner true to fast-food preparation.

Finally, a burger fit for a diet!

Seriously, Bourbon can not be faulted for their miniature burger creations from a visual perspective. They are exquisite in their droll likeness to full-sized cheeseburgers.

Unfortunately, their taste leaves much to be desired. It is not exactly unpalatable, but neither is it anything to write home about (if writing home is ever done anymore). I would describe its flavor as a lesser version of an E.L. Fudge cookie.

It's a touch saddening, as I found Every Burger to be an otherwise enticing and entertaining treat. If Bourbon could just upgrade the taste (even at an additional cost), they'd have a real contender here!

It is therefore with a heavy heart that I rate Every Burger a mediocre 2. I have no doubt I'd eat another (or a handful, even) if no better candy was within my arm's reach, but I have no desire to purchase another box myself.

I like my cheeseburgers well done, and these only look the part.

That being said, I would recommend Every Burger for novelty purposes. A small girl could, for instance, use the tiny patties to add realism to a casual date between Barbie and Ken. Or a grown man could pretend to be 100 feet tall or something (I haven't calculated the proper scale; sorry). Or a fast food restaurant could use one in a commercial (just not that one). The possibilities are endless!

In other words, if you're looking for nothing more than a fun burger-shaped snack, Every Burger is here for you! If you, however, are looking for something with a more-than-adequate taste, it might be best to keep on moving.

Sorry, Burgermeister-san.

You're just going to have to dispose of the bodies yourself from now on.

With hopes for a sweeter tomorrow,
The Sweets Fiend

Does this not look more like real fast food burgers than the ones seen in commercials?