#4 - Kinder Happy Hippo (Cocoa Cream) Milk and Cocoa Biscuits

Last Friday I embarked upon a zoological adventure (in other words, I went to the zoo), where I saw many a wondrous thing. I also witnessed some things one might consider less wondrous. I will let you, my loyal reader(s), decide which category the feces-spraying hippopotamus falls under. You may have up to this point been blissfully unaware that, to mark its territory, a hippo will spin its tail while defecating, scattering its "product" in all directions to cover the widest possible area. You think you've seen a hippo covered in mud? I hate to burst your protective bubble of naivety, but that wasn't mud.

I, for one, am glad that humans (as a general rule) do not resort to such methods for territorial proclamations, and am not going to provide you with a link to a video of the act (though I know you'll probably go look it up now anyhow) as I am about to discuss candy containing chocolate, and nothing can put a damper on an appetite for chocolate like explosive fecal matter. By the way, as an added bonus, hippos are also retromingent, which means they urinate backwards (we have a word for everything, don't we?). They are just full of excretory surprises!

My point in horrifying you with all this is that, though cartoon hippos tend to lean more toward the cute and goofy side, the truth is that the hippopotamus is a disgusting and vicious animal. Hippos kill more people each year than lions, tigers, and bears combined (oh, my)! The female hippo's bite has been measured at 1,821 pounds per square inch. And if that's not enough to leave you quivering in terror, the male hippo's bite has been measured at... oh, wait, the male hippo's bite has never been measured, as it is too aggressive a beast. Seriously.

To sum it up: beware the hippopotamus.

Okay. Now that I have instilled in you a healthy fear of the "river horse," I ask you to join me as I throw caution to the wind with my latest sweet endeavor, the Kinder Happy Hippo Cocoa Cream Milk and Cocoa Biscuits (I'm not exactly sure where the name begins or ends):

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

This German treat (if the "German flag" background did not tip you off to the country of origin, you need to study your flags) is brought to us (or me, rather) by Kinder, which is German for "children." It is not the most clever name for a candy company, in my opinion (and I don't get why the 'K' is in black), but I'm pretty much a kid at heart, so I ought to fit into the target market (I'm actually quite sure of that after watching a twenty year old commercial for the product).

If you've grown up in the good old USA, the word "kinder" most likely makes you think of the word "kindergarten" (literally, "children garden"). My overall memory of kindergarten is pretty foggy, though I do remember disliking my first day and walking out of class and heading home. Nobody stopped me. Nobody noticed me. It was quite a school.

But let's get back on track, shall we? The overall package design is okay. It's not fantastic, but it does give adequate information along with some decent artwork of the Happy Hippos (including a severed hippo, because gore sells). The small text reads: "5 Delicious INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED (their emphasis) hippo shaped biscuits with a milk and cocoa cream filling." Most of that sentence seems redundant, but I think Kinder just really, really, really wants to make sure its customers know what they're getting into. Nothing wrong with that.

Everything you've ever wanted to know about
hippos but have been afraid to ask.

 The back of the box contains not only the nutritional information (in European fashion), but also a handy diagram of the "biscuit" itself, lest all of the previous descriptions were unclear. May it never be said that Kinder has shirked their responsibility of informing consumers on the components of a Happy Hippo biscuit.

I should note that the back also included an American nutrition facts sticker, with a slightly lower Calorie count. I guess the extra Calories are lost during exportation (or that European stomachs are just not as efficient).

So, depending on where you live, each biscuit is around 119 to 122 Calories, with the entire box containing 595 to 610 Calories. Fat accounts for a good bit of the caloric value, but I'd hardly expect anything less from a hippopotamus. I would thus not recommend consuming all five biscuits in one sitting; I believe the main reason they are individually wrapped is to discourage such tomfoolery.

Is there no end to the product information?

 The ingredient list is easy reading (the plot is a tad weak), with nothing exotic or alarming to be found. There is thankfully no actual hippo in the biscuits, nor any hippo byproduct (even more thankfully), and the section includes yet another description of the product.

In addition, it is revealed that Happy Hippos are manufactured by Ferrero (an Italian company), while still retaining their German citizenship. It's refreshing to see countries working together for the greater good (or almighty dollar, as the case may be).

At the very bottom of the panel is the "best by" date, which has yet to come to pass. There should therefore be no issues with the biscuits, right? We shall see.

Oh, the humanity!

When I extracted the individually wrapped packages from the box, it came to my attention that one of the Happy Hippos was less "happy" (if a hippo can truly be happy) than the others. In a tragedy of pachydermal proportions, he had lost an eye. Now, Germany has a reputation for consistent quality and precision (the phrase "German engineering" did not create itself, as far as I know), so I will give them the benefit of the doubt and assume this was not a production error. I would rather live my life believing that there is a secret Kinder Happy Hippo Fight Club, and that the eye was ripped off in a savage duel (hippos are notoriously violent, as you know). I do not suppose the injury will affect my overall enjoyment (or lack thereof) of the snack, at any rate.

I'm a fan of candy and snacks that are made to look like animals, particularly when they are done well, and I feel the Happy Hippos are done well. They may lack ears, but they are otherwise a fairly decent facsimile of  the dreaded animal they are meant to portray, down to the unsettling you-know-what splattered all over them. Kinder has clearly done their homework here, and the effort shows. Wunderbar!

Information overload in a more convenient size.

Each individual wrapper contains all of the information from the box, just in case you missed it the first (and second, and third) time around. This makes the Kinder Happy Hippo suitable for resale. I purchased the box at a bargain during a "buy one, get two free" special, so I could probably make a killing selling off each biscuit. Alas, as my business sense is no match for my love of sweets, the idea is doomed from the start.

Still, the extra info is a nice touch.

Actually opening up a Happy Hippo revealed an even greater likeness to its real-life counterpart, as it immediately and vigorously shed bits of its coating omnidirectionally. If  cleanliness is an obsession of yours, it might be best to stay away from hippos in any form.

Nevertheless, I again admired the design and craftsmanship of the biscuits. Regardless of how they might taste, each was a work of art (which should give you a pretty good idea of how refined my taste in art is).

Missing eye or not, they don't look half bad (not a sentence I utter very often).

During my exhaustive study of the allegedly cheerful beasts, I discovered that when viewed from below, they resembled snowmen. Not the nice, innocent, freshly built sort of snowmen, but the kind of snowmen who have lived out the better part of their existences and become covered with the filth of the world. They also have a cool diamond pattern on them.

Snowman down!

 The Transformer aspect to the treats makes them even more awesome, so I was really hoping they would be as pleasant to eat as to look at.

Fortunately, they did not disappoint! The outer shell was thinner than I'd expected (the consistency was very much like a wafer cookie), but pleasantly so, and the fillings inside were creamy and complemented each other splendidly. It also didn't hurt that I felt as if I were avenging the countless victims of hippopotamus attacks throughout the world. All in all, it was a positive experience, and I have no doubts that I would be tempted to buy another box if I happened upon one in a store, even if just for the novelty of it all. Its taste did not knock my socks off (to be honest, I can't remember whether or not I was even wearing socks), but it was a solid performer all around.

If you enjoy chocolate cream or animal-shaped snacks (or just have a vendetta against hippos), Kinder Happy Hippo Cocoa Cream Milk and Cocoa Biscuits (still not sure about the name) will satisfy your needs.

With a thankful heart, I rate this snack a 3. I could see myself purchasing another box or two some day, though I'd be unlikely to go too far out of my way for it.

Nice job on a quality product, Kinder!

'Til I'm back with another snack, I remain
The Sweets Fiend

Apart from the bits of outer shell caught in the cream, it actually does look a lot like in the diagram.